Merry Plagiarism To All!

Since this is probably my last entry until after Christmas (unless we have a miracle healing of J.D. Drew's shoulder on Christmas Eve), I thought I would just jump on the easy bandwagon of coming up with holiday gifts for our favorite team. Ian Browne already did this, Gordon Edes already did this, even the guys over at the Fire Brand site did this, but hell, I can do it better, can't I? Well, maybe not better, but later. I can definitely do it later. So here is what I would put under the metaphysical pagan tree for the Boston Red Sox:

-Terry Francona: A copy of the Serenity Prayer. The guy's had a rough year, so much so that he was spittin' blood, pissin' blood, bleedin' down there in the dugout by August. He needs to manage what he's got, and stop suffering so much about what could have been or should have been.

-Theo Epstein: Socks. He's Jewish, right? That's a traditional Hanukkah gift, to my understanding. Plus, this will help ensure that he can fight off any cold feet and continue proceeding boldly into future negotiations, despite the media second-guessing.

-Manny Ramirez: A one-way ticket to Boston. Theo needs to call him up and tell him that he's been traded to Boston. That should make him happy- he wanted a trade, and it would bring a happy, productive bat to left field at Fenway. Let's hope that he doesn't actually bring that bat when he runs out to left field.

-David Ortiz: A big foam cheesehead. How can you not love a guy who does everything he does for the Sox, and then spends his off-season in Green Bay, Wisconsin? In the words of Bill Haverchuck, "how are we not supposed to be in love?" This would be my way, as a native Wisconsinite, of officially welcoming him into the fraternity of upper-midwesterners.

-Curt Schilling: 18-8, 3.55, 200 IP, 185 K, 20 BB
-Josh Beckett: 20-12, 3.87, 210 IP, 178 K, 80 BB
-Daisuke Matsuzaka: 16-9, 3.96, 185 IP, 155K, 80 BB
-Jonathan Papelbon: 14-8, 3.45, 165 IP, 158K, 45 BB
-Tim Wakefield: 18-12, 4.10, 220 IP, 175 K, 90 BB

-J.D. Drew: A healthy shoulder, and a compendium of suggestions on "How to be a Successful, Carefree, Flake in the Boston Media Market" authored by Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, and Bill Lee. Oh, and 30 dingers.

-Dustin Pedroia: .280/.375/.400
-Kevin Youkilis: .295/.400/.450
-Mike Lowell: .270/.355/.450
-Julio Lugo: .280/.360/.430, 35 SB
-Coco Crisp: .305/.375/.400, 20 SB

-Jon Lester: 12 starts in Pawtucket, and a triumphant return to Fenway in June.

-Mike Timlin and J.C. Romero: For lightning to return to their arms.

-Doug Mirabelli: Some batting gloves, and practice with a zen master on snatching pebbles from an open palm.

-Jason Varitek: Followers. The guy's already got leadership. People just need to listen, pay attention, and do what he does.

-Trot Nixon: .295/.380/.500 (for Colorado or San Francisco)
-Wily Mo Pena: .270/.340/.560 (for us)

Merry Christmas, folks.